We can all agree that we want and deserve to be in a happy, thriving relationship. If you don’t agree, then you should! As a Black and queer counselor,  I speak with many individuals that could benefit from good advice about how to love yourself and your partner better. 

What are your needs and wants in a relationship? Take some time to write down some of your wants and needs in a relationship. Are your wants and needs reasonable for another person to meet?

Here is my advice for a healthy relationship:

1. Love yourself first – Self-Love is happiness and security within yourself. Self-Love is acceptance. Self-Love is looking in the mirror and telling yourself that I am enough. In a relationship, this translates to an honest and healthy emotional connection.

2. Open communication – Communication is the difference between you getting what you want versus what your partner thinks you want. Your partner is not a mind reader. Communication is key to building a strong foundation. If you struggle with communicating effectively with your words verbally, try journaling or poetry.

3. Date your partner, often – What kinds of dates make you feel loved? Dates can be an easy way to let your partner know that they are appreciated. Dates can range from extravagant to very inexpensive. But they should happen often to remind your lover that you still admire them. 

4. Talk when you are not angry – When you are angry, utilize a coping skill BEFORE talking to your partner about why you are angry. Oftentimes you say negative things that you may regret later, when you speak emotionally. Speak after you have taken time to calm down. You’ll feel so much better about yourself. 

5. Change is good – As human beings, we learn new things constantly. The things we learn and internalize shape our perspectives about life. That growth will impact your life and your relationship in some way. In a healthy relationship, you have to be open to change within yourself and with your partner. Accept the thought that change is good. 

6. Tell your partner when you are happy – Think of an environment where no one ever thanked you for your contribution. Tell your partner when you enjoy how they’ve been treating you. Celebrate your partner’s accomplishments. Celebrate the small moments as well as the major events. It makes your partner happy. 

7. Therapy/Counseling – A neutral third party can help to make sense of differences in your relationship. Therapy can help mend past relationships and situations that negatively affect current relationships. I encourage couples to seek counseling as a proactive measure, rather than a reactive measure. 

Relationships take constant work and attention.

I hope you take from this blog that you deserve to be loved and respected in all of your relationships. But they take work from all involved in them. You can compare a relationship to the maintenance of a car. It takes constant work and attention to keep it up and running.